Lee sat on the hospital chair, gently holding the hand of the man who lay so still on the bed beside her.
Hey, wow. Author got the use of “lay” correct. Nice. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.
As she spoke soothingly to him his eyes remained closed as the many pieces of equipment around his bed had blinked and beeped in a manner which both fascinated and frightened her.
Oookay, allow me to retract my previous statement. Whoa. “His eyes remained closed as she spoke soothingly to him. The equipment around his bed blinked and beeped in a manner which both fascinated and frightened her.”
A little more coherent that way. Perhaps a bit mundane, but knowing how Lee feels is a plus, and I think her emotional reaction is a realistic one.
Jim Donovan was a good friend of Lee’s, and news of his accident had shocked her, particularly when she had found that he lay in a comma,
OMG, you didn’t. Author, you started out okay. Did you really just use “comma” when you meant “coma”? I hope that’s a typo.
lucky to be alive after his car had swerved off the road and hit a tree.
Some might argue being in a coma is only so lucky.
Right now you’ve got some really long, really wordy sentences. You might want to try something like: “Jim Donovan was a good friend of Lee’s; news of his accident had shocked her. He was lucky to be alive after his car swerved and hit a tree.” Don’t worry, we will get to the coma part.
The nurse she had spoken to had been comforting, telling her that his injuries were not life threatening, but adding that it was too early to tell what damage might have been done to his brain until he came out of the comma, quickly adding as she had seen how the young woman’s eyes had opened in shock that initial indications where positive, smiling as she told her they would just have to be patient.
I...I...what? No, really, WHAT!? You’re going to drive me to drink. Did you really just use comma instead of coma again, Author? How do you use “lay” properly but not know it’s supposed to be C-O-M-A?
Oh, that sentence. I have no idea where to begin. I can’t help but think it would have made more sense to have the book open on her conversation with the nurse, rather than just telling us all of this. But if you must:
“The nurse she spoke to had been comforting, telling her his injuries weren’t life-threatening, though it was too early to tell what damage might have been done to his brain, or whether he would come out of the coma.
Seeing Lee’s shock, the nurse had smiled soothingly and added, “But initial indications are positive and we think he has a good chance of making a full recovery.”
What? I do what I can, but I’m no miracle-worker here.
That had been two days ago and she had each day after work made the hour journey to the hospital, to just sit there talking to him, holding his hand and telling him in as upbeat a voice as she could manage, about their friends, hoping that somehow he would hear her, nobody really knowing when or even if he would ever come out of it.
Holy cow! Calm down, would you? Don’t worry, you will get all the details down before Armageddon, I promise. Just ease back on the long sentences; they need to tell the story, not do temp work for Jörmungandr.
“That had been two days ago. Every day after work, Lee made the hour long journey to the hospital. She would sit beside Jim’s bed, holding his hand and speaking in an upbeat voice, telling him about their friends. She hoped he would hear her, somehow. Nobody really knew when or even if he would come out of the coma.”
But weren’t initial indications positive...? Also, I am not rewriting every absurdly long sentence, I’ll be here for the rest of my damn life.
As she had sat there on the second day, her chin resting on the hand which held his, Lee had shivered, suddenly feeling the prickly sensation of being watched, and looking up, she had been surprised to see the man standing at the door.
Does she break out in hives when someone’s talking about her, too? This isn’t that common in real life. And what’s with all the “had done this,” “had done that”? Not necessary. Yes, true you’re telling this in past tense, but...oh why do I even bother?
Tall, incredibly handsome and exuding a raw masculine power she had held her breath as their eyes had met,
So Lee is tall, incredibly handsome, and exudes a raw masculine power? Okay, now this story is totally not going where I expected it to.
the sight of him sending an instant bolt of lightning through her tired body, which was both unexpected and instant,
It’s official. The staff running the Department of Redundancy Department are the most overworked people in the entire world.
her stomach flipping in a most disconcerting manner , making her quickly drop her gaze shocked and confused by her own reactions.
Jim: My commas! Mine! You can’t have them. Neener, neener, neener! My preciousssss...
He too had stopped a look of surprise in his, almost black eyes also, as he had watched her, those inscrutinable eyes flicking over Lee, before flashing her one of the most dazzling smiles she had ever seen.
Feeling vaguely dizzy now. Also, inscrutinable? What, did you write this out on a napkin and type it in AOL mail? It’s called a spell check and it so happens that Word has an automatic one. Does a plumber work without a wrench? No! Use the tools of your trade, damn it.
“Hello, I am sorry I did not realise Jim had a visitor” he said gently his voice tinged with an accent which ran down her spin so pleasantly like warm trickling water
Uh, guys? Did anyone see where the punctuation got off to it? It seems to have flrd.
Lee had slowly placed Jim’s hand back down onto the white starched hospital sheet, half standing
“No…please” she said as the man had turned to leave
The punctuation! It are teh flee! Why???
“I really have to go anyway…. I’m sure he would like the company” she said looking softly back down on him, before bending down and kissing her friend’s forehead
“Wake up soon Jim” she murmured before moving towards the door
What is this I don’t even. Quick, someone hook me up to an IV of brandy and opium, stat.
As the large man had moved aside allowing her to pass, she had thanked him with a small shy smile, enjoying the smell of his aftershave which enveloped her, its intoxicating aroma so pleasurable, as she had fought to stop her eyes closing with that pleasure, aware of how she had shivered softly as an awareness of him had once more shot through her.
Must...critique...Can’t let...brain stop functioning...
Okay, if something is pleasurable, her reaction probably will involve pleasure. But why are we just told all of this? They’re talking to each other; this is what dialogue is for. And you’re saying “the large man” but all we know is that he’s tall. Large implies more. And again with the long sentences. And...and...oh, someone please save me.
As she stepped out of the room he had followed her, his deep voice questioning
“I am sorry, are you Jim’s girlfriend”
Just because you say he’s questioning doesn’t mean you don’t need at least some goddamn form of punctuation!!! How does this even happen? Why...why does your punctuation, which admittedly is crap to begin with, completely go AWOL when you’re writing dialogue? It does not work that way.
Lee had turned around in surprise her large soft hazel eyes looking back politely at him,
Hey, a comma came back. Do you suppose it’s Jim’s?
“No….just a friend, we work together….I just try to look in on him that’s all” she said gently
For the record, Lee sounds like a total sheep. Everything about her is “soft” or “polite” or “gentle”. She seems like the kind of ridiculously sweet character that makes me want to barf.
The man had once again smiled at her
No, I did not cut that off in midsentence. The punctuation is just not there!
Wow. I mean, wow. I didn’t even get a chance to go into things like how you can tell someone doesn’t know how to write when they don’t even use contractions in dialog. Author, please tell me you didn’t actually try to send this to agents. Please. I work so hard and so do they. Don’t waste their time if you can’t be bothered with punctuation and don’t take their time away from me.
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